Flowers

I woke up this morning sick. Not sick like the flu but sick from nerves. It has been 4 days since I have slept. My conversation with my sister yesterday helped. 'Think good thoughts before bed' she told me but it still didn't give me the peace I was looking for. My morning routine was a bit different this morning. I put more time and effort into how I looked. Soon I was out the door on my way to work. As the morning grew lighter the butterflies in my stomach didn't go away. They got worst. And so did the feeling of wanting to throw up. 'just a couple more hours' - I would try to tell myself. It didn't help. Shortly before 10 I left. I had to make one quick stop. I pulled into flower patch and by now I was frazzled with nerves. I looked at the floor in the shop to see myself - scattered - and in pieces. Now was the time to pick up the pieces and put myself together. I had 28 minutes.



That phone call was the call I don't think anyone wants to hear. I don't think anyone wants to make. There was alot of crying that night. I tried to tell myself that it would be ok. My parents tried to reassure me she would be fine. I could not shake the bad feeling I had growing inside of  me. This was the first time, but not the last, that i was going to loose my friend. It wasn't that I didn't believe. It wasn't that she didn't put up on hell of a fight. It was just a gut feeling... a sick feeling that shakes you to the core, that I had an hour glass sitting in front of me and at any minute the time was going to run out.

Our walks stopped, the summer time turned into dread. She could not be in the sun while in the middle of radiation. Even young women's was painful. I endure girls camp without her. Without my sidekick... the one person who understood me. I was an outcast. I was by myself. There were lot of surgeries. Lots of visits to primary children's hospital. Lots of phone calls. My life had turned around - only because hers had turned around. It was backwards and upside down. I tried to keep busy throughout my jr year. I would go over and visit when she wasn't feeling good enough to attend our youth group activities. On the days she felt well we took advantage of that time but I had to be careful as to not be sick. Then chemo started and the times to see her came far and few between. Her hair fell out - in chunks. Finally she got not just a wig but 2 wigs. they were itchy and uncomfortable. She would not go out with them though. She would get tired very easily. She attended school less and less but kept fighting one hell of a fight. I never saw her without a smile - or a joke. She was fighting this ginormous battle with a great sense of humor. Summer came again - she was too weak to do much so once again I was on my own to attend the youth group activities by myself.

My senior year was suppose to be the best of my life! But why did I dread it so much???? The year started off great. Finally - we were in the same school. She even felt well to attend most of her classes. I never knew if she was going to be there but when she was, it was the highlight of my day. School became a chore to me. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to go. I just couldn't wait for it to be over with. I couldn't wait to graduate. Christmas came and I saw her at school less and less. by spring, she had stopped going to school altogether. Only because it was in her best interest. The migraines were getting bad again. April rolled around and I was 2 months from graduating. I walked the 5 houses down the street to her house to see her. She lived in a tri-level home. The formal living room  as you walk in with the kitchen directly behind that. With stairs going up or down. I walked down the 6 steps to the main living room to see her on the couch. She didn't move but she sure lite up when she heard me call her name. I every so gently kneeled next to the couch as to not move her. 'the pain is so bad, just moving my head hurts immensely' It was becoming a struggle just for her to move her head. She was not getting better.... WHY? While I was there, it was time for her to eat. Her mom made her some potatoes. When I saw the plate I was astonished as to how someone could eat so little for a meal. It was then that i realized that she had lost an extreme amount of weight.

The net few weeks were a blur. I had alot going on with school. I was paddling as fast as i could to keep my head above water. School was horrible. I felt i was living in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. We had a fun run coming up at school. The last big thing before graduation. I signed up for it. It would be fun to hang out with some friends, eat food and tag team relay until I had to go home. May was upon us and it was warm this time of year. I also had softball. The practices kept me busy and kept my mind off things. Lets not even mention church. I was forced into going to young women's. I would sneak out when I had a chance. I made it a point to leave Sunday school 5 minutes early and sneak by the young women's room without getting caught so I didn't have to endure the hour long class without my friend. I did the bare minimum to get my young women's award. Something I am not proud of but my mom would not let it go. 'fake it til you make it' really came in to play. It didn't help that I hated my leaders. They didn't understand what I was going through. They forced me to play the piano just so I would have to attend. And if they caught me sneaking out they would grab me and literally sit me in a chair and sit next to me with their arm around me so that if I tried to move or leave they would grab me. They didn't understand. They would always ask me 'So how is she doing? We would go see her but....' then the excuses would come. To me, I called that being pure lazy.

Saturday May 5th - I was to get my award. My half ass earned award. I didn't care. I did it and I could say that i did it and have people off my back. 20 minutes before we started her dad walked in. 'she is really sick and not feeling well. She wont be able to make it. I will give my talk and then I will need to return home.' The sacrifice - if only I knew. A mere 17 hours was all he had left, but none of knew that. I saw him slip out when his part was finished. I just wanted it to be done - I was done. By the time we got everything cleaned up and home it was well after 10. I asked my mom if I could take some eclairs to her and her family. It was late. Probably not a good idea but I did it anyways. most of the lights were off - only one or two lights were on and dimmed. Her mom answered the door. 'she wont see anyone but I will ask.' Those 90 seconds were probably some of the most let down 90 seconds of my life. I knew she would say no. Her mom came back and said 'she would love to see you' My feet grew heavy as I walked up those stairs. She was laying in her bed and didn't move when I came in. Once again her face lite up. When did she look so pale?? so thin??? It was worst than before.

That night was the last time I talked to my friend. 13 hours later she slipped in to a coma. 7 hours later she passed away.


It has been 10 years since i have seen her brothers. I knew today would be hard. I had 2 1/2 minutes to piece myself together and put on a smile. I got out of my car and walked up the 4 steps to the door. I open the door and there is her oldest brother. 10 years older but still looking the same. I didn't know what to say or what to do. All of these emotions have taken over me the past 4 days and I am sure seeing me it like a tidal wave hitting them. He walks over to me and gives me a hug. Then her dad sees me... like father like son. Walks over to me and hugs me. We talk for a few minutes and I leave with 'I had to come and show my support today.' Next I walk in to the back room and give her mom a giant hug. then her other brother. We talk for a few more minutes. It brings back a feeling I have been missing all of these years. I say hi to her 'SIL' and the kids. They are all so cute. We chat and I feel that my time has come that i need to go. I say hi to few more people and give my condolences. I walk out 36 minutes after I arrived. That has got to be one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have had to do in a long time. there was only one more thing I had to do. I  had some purple flowers i had to deliver....

Last week Jessica's grandfather passed away. It has torn me apart. Today was all so bitter sweet. It brings feeling back from so long ago. It has been a struggle. at lunch yesterday with my sister, she said 'think of the good thing, remember the best times, and maybe that will help.' The best way to do that... blog. Write. express.

Sometimes it is hard, Then I go to bed and wake up the next morning to realize that it is all going to be ok. I cannot wait for that feeling tomorrow morning.

Games

Nintendo. Old maid. slap jack. monopoly. sorry. Barbie. ken. dress up. Quints.

Those we the games. I won every single time at monopoly. Still do. I have old maid cards hidden away for my kids. We thought we were so mischievous - bending the corner so we knew which one NOT to pick. This could go on for hours and hours. During the summer??? Walks. the bright sun shinning. the asphalt hot on our bare feet. The trees - no blossoms in sight that spring had just past. Green - dark green... no sign of turning colors. Swimsuits. Basketball. Chalk (or rock - they were cheaper :)). Sleepovers. No school. camping trips. bike rides, Rollerblades. ice cream trucks!!!!!

This is how we grew up. We played with barbies well in to our teen - tweens... Then Jr. high came. I was 2 grades ahead of her. We went to different schools. Our friendship took its first rocky trip. It was different. but we still remained BFF's. We still had our summer time. That is when notes took over.

We had millions of them! ok, it seemed like a million of them. Random things written down. We were 'cool'. I would write them at school and take them to her house afterwards. Different school - remember??? We got each other. We understood each other. We were 'outcast'... different. Now like the other girls in our neighborhood. we did things we wanted to do. We didn't care what others thought... well we did but we hid it well. I was envious of her cool clothes, her new dance moves or the stylish hair that was never the same as before. I felt so grounded when summer came. It took me back to my roots. It gave me oodles and oodles of time to do whatever we wanted. Sleepovers were the best!

We walked alot... around and around and around the neighborhood we went. We would talk about everything and anything. Mostly the boys that I liked. I never remember it being hot outside. We would bask in the sun shine and burn within 15 minutes of being in the sun. We both had super sensitive skin. But that never stopped us. OH! And we cant forget the grass that we would always pull when it got to long and make a 'birds nest' with grass and dead branches. We had great imaginations.

In church, we always sat by each other. We always played the 'dot' game in sacrament. In Sunday school - it was painful. We were always in different classes. All of but 6 months every 2 years. Then young women's... we always sat by each other - in the corner - towards the back.

When one of use was gone, it seemed like and eternity before we got to see each other again.

Then there are the times that we would fight, fight we were like sisters. Sometimes she wouldn't answer my calls. Sometimes I wouldn't answer hers. As I said - we were like sisters. Never once, did either of us questions our friendship. At the end of the day we were still friends.

Then another school change came. I was a sophomore. I couldn't wait to be in high school. Our friendship hit another rough patch. High school was alot busier than jr high. We still had our quirks and funny ways. We were still different then the other girls, and we still stayed friends... even though we were on different levels during the school year. My sophomore year blew by in a breeze. That was the summer of '99. It was the year my sister graduated. It was nice to have a big sister to spend a year with and show me around. Protect me yet tease me. Then she graduated and we started with summer all over again. Only this summer i turned 16 and was BOY CRAZY. Little did I know how much my life would change now that i was 16. I was in my bedroom. the phone rang - and I heard my mom calling my name....

disappearing act

So.... I failed! I failed miserably! I really had it in me to do this whole nablopomo. It just sizzled. I am tired, I am exhausted. November is my busiest month. Bryce has been gone the past two weeks for work and at the end of the day I just lay down and I was gone.. but not. I slept horribly without him here. So physically I was exhausted and could not lift a finger.

Don't worry - I will still have a few more post here and a for more post there. Don't forget 2 (2!) more giveaways, more inspirational people and more posts. It will be great. For now - I need to go clean my room for tomorrow's cuts. I think tomorrow will be the busiest nights than I have ever had since starting school. I am back to back to back times 3. awesome!

Stay Tuned!

Bee-ism's

 

Everyone knows I don't have children of my own, so I gotta post about the off the wall things I hear from my young nieces and nephews. Not everyone has face book and that is where I post the majority of them so this one I am saving for my blog. Yesterday while at my sister's house, who happens to have cats - that I am sure were tormented by young children who love them more than they can contain. Bee runs up to me, in her cute 2 year old voice, "sami! I gotta see the kitties! Chloe stepped on my foot." (me) "Oh yeah? did she say excuse me???" (Bee) "No she said Mooow sami"

 

 

 

She is so matter of fact, and smart. Her mom is in trouble. Me on the other hand - finds the humor in her so matter of matter-of-factness. 

Love the weather!

The weather we have been experiencing is truly amazing! I love it. It brings out the magic of the holiday. Today I sit here baking pumpkin cookies, clearing out the fall decor and putting up the winter decor. My house is literally a mess between baking, organizing, pulling out boxes but I don't care. I love it. I love seeing each year the new things my boxes hold. They are only new to me because I tend to forget what i buy each year. It is like unwrapping a present!
With this weather comes the bad - yesterday we lost our awning on our back porch. We are not for sure how much damage was done to the deck due to the amount of snow but I am sure in the next few days, the damage will so its ugly face. I hope it is minimal - since our awning was attached to our deck. That deck brings fond memories... The good the bad and the ugly. It was one project on the house that I can say "Yes, I did that!" We were right in the middle of rebuilding the deck when Bryce was injured 2 years ago. He couldn't walk, squat, sit or lift anything. He was in pain the whole time. I was his legs, his arms, his muscles while he was the voice. I pains me a little to see that there might have to be a replaced board here or there. It took alot of my blood sweat and tears. Even though the awning is gone, I still love this weather. Not even that can make the great mood I am in go away. It is a tiny reminder of all that I have. I rather have small things like that then nothing at all. here is some pictures of my adventures today:

My skeleton is getting mummy-fied and he looks awfully happy!

 Here he is getting ready to go in his coffin for the next 10 months! I have to take extra care with him since he is full on glass and I do not want him broken. I have had this thing for 6 years and it still looks like I bought him yesterday. He gets wrapped in alot of paper towels.... then he goes into a bin of breakables that is stuffed with paper... he also gets wrapped in paper for extra padding.

 Back to projects. recently Bryce and I decided (more like I wanted and needed his help so I didn't cut a hand off!) that we needed a little project to do together. We have been lacking in the time spending together. Both of us have been working extra long hours, so I have had this idea in my phone for over a year of a project that I wanted to do and have in the house. So we calculated, added, bought, lifted, cut, sanded and then I painted. Perfect timing too....

We have a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My current project was a snowman!!!!!! (rie that was you!)

I wanted a good size snowman. he stands just under 3 feet tall. He is stackable for convenience too. Everything stacks into itself, including the hat. The base of the hat is the bas of the boxes. His not screws off (that is why his nose is sitting on his had and not on his face). It was a great project for both of us to do together. We would open our back door in our garage, shut the garage door, music blaring, mask faced jamming out late at night while we sanded. It was a fun project but I am glad it is over so I can start on another one. Congrats to Rie! I will send you both gift cards at the same time. let me know if you want a home depot or a wood connections :)

Tis the season!

There is nothing better than getting great news to start off your day - then realizing you have to wait all day to get 'it' going.

Today I got the good news that not only was I allowed to buy a new Christmas tree but that it came with a budget. A BIG budget. Plus I got to get all new decor and trash our 15-something year old decor. Nothing beats spending a Friday evening spending someone Else's money on one of my favorite holidays. Oh wait, cuddling up to Bryce next to a fire sounds delightful right now.....

Don't forget to take your stab at my current project. Here's another hint: Tis the season!!!!!!!

current project completed: giveaway *Updated*

I have a ton of projects. Some that I want to do some - well not so much. I wish I had 50 hours in a day to accomplish everything that I want/need to do but I don't. so I take it one step at a time. It is time to do another giveaway - oh and my current project that I just finished... well I am going to let you tell me what it is. Here are the rules:
1. only 2 votes per person (for now)
2. each vote much be a separate comment.
3. voting can only happen here on my blog.
4. The way to win: guess what my current project is that I just finished.
5. Anyone can vote - if you do not live near me, I will mail the gift to you!
6. The prize is a $15 home depot gift card or a $15 wood connections gift card. I want to see you finish your current project (or start a new one)
7. This giveaway will end when someone guesses what my project is. Good luck!!!!

Hint: Pictures.....

PS I will give out random hints on my blog. There are lots of guesses but no one has got it yet! Keep guessing.. you have 2 (for now) so use them wisely! Hints coming soon!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.....

It is time to announce the winner of my giveaway: Brit and Rie! brit I will give you to yours next week :) . Rie leave me a comment and let me know if you want to meet up with me or if you want me to mail it to you (along with your address). I will not publish your comment. Stay tuned... there is another giveaway coming your way!

Sooooooo....

I promised myself I would blog, everyday, in November. Even if that means that I have to when I exhausted. Even when I am too exhausted to think.

I am sooooooooo tired. It has been a painfully long day.

I am sooooooooo glad the day is almost over.

I am sooooooooo ecstatic that the elections are over. I am so sick of people voicing their opinions on to me. Even more I am sick of the radio ads, tv commercials, newspaper articles, news reports, phone calls, etc.

I am soooooooo glad it is bed time. I get to cuddle up under my nice warm electric blanket and dream of sheep jumping over a rickety fence. Oh the sheep are so much better than what I have dreamed about in the past few days.

oh and don't forget, tonight is the last night to enter the give-a-way. Tomorrow I will be announcing the winner!

My new love....

yes, I traded Bryce in. Or maybe he traded me in. Ok, so it hasn't happened, but I am assuming in the near future that he will get sick and tired and one of us will have to go. Meet my new love:

Ok, so Bryce has never said anything about it, as a matter of fact he has been super supportive. I haven't even really touched it. It is horribly dirty and I would love nothing more then to get down and clean it. That is on my to do list this week and it is going to take hours! I already have the whole top end ripped apart so I can see its skeleton. It needs a good deep clean and it is good to go. I have printed off a few sheets of music, more on my Christmas list. It is embarrassing at how much I have really lost over the past 10 years. This is my therapy. and I cant.wait.to.start.... again.

Oh how I love thee (but I love Bryce more)

PS have you enter my super easy giveaway??? You have a mere 36 hours left so you better hurry!!!!!

influential Peope #1

Throughout this month I will be highlighting people who have influenced my life. Some will be in 1 part series, some will be in a couple part series. The first one I would like to highlight is Joyce. Joyce is my dad's sister. As a matter of fact she is my dad's only sister. I am sure it is not easy growing up with 6 boys. For that alone she deserves to be highlighted. But that is not the reason why she is getting highlights. Joyce reminds me alot of my grandma. I didn't get alot of time with my grandma growing up and she died when I was still very young. I don't think she looks an ounce like my grandma but she sure did get her height and personality. My aunt Joyce is only 4 foot something and as sweet as a gummy bear. She hates her picture getting taken, swears that the camera will break, but still willingly allows to have just one shot of her. I always love going to her house. I don't know if it was the small kitchen filled with yummy yet healthy food, or maybe it was the bird, named baby. It could have been the possibility of the dungeon filled with all sorts of toys and trinkets that would keep me occupied for hours. She has this soft voice that is undescribable, yet recognizable when you hear it.
Over the years as I have grown older, I have learned to appreciate her wisdom. I call her regularly to chat. She gives me hope and strength that I felt I lacked from other people  who should be giving me that. She always believed in me, believed that I was going somewhere and going to do something good. She always believed I would be successful. Most importantly, when I told her I had met a boy out of the Mormon religion - she was the first person who told me how proud she was of me and that she loved me.  When I call, we often talk about my grandma and uncle Ike (her husband). She fills me with stories of both of them, some that I remember, some that I don't. This past year she had a major surgery to remove some cancer. It was devastating to me... the thought of her not being a phone call away was a miserable thought. I am so grateful that this year I was able to travel to Island Park for some down time and my dad's reunion. Since her surgery, she has been healthy as a horse. I know that she wont be around too much longer due to her age, but for now I revel in the moment when I call her and tell her everything that is happening in my life.

Pumpkin Patch

Every year Bryce and I head over to Schmidt's pumpkin patch to find the perfect pumpkins for our house. Usually it is Bryce and I - maybe a friend or two joining us. This year it was just going to be him and I. My parents, oldest sister and nephew headed to Hawaii leaving my 3 sisters to go by themselves. Everyone knows that my oldest sister and I are like stray cats in an alley. We don't get along and one of us may end up dead. period. I never want my sisters to feel like they are in the middle of a brawl and I definitely don't want them to ever feel like they have to chose. they know and I know that we just don't get along. never have, never will. Things like this, I just don't even offer or talk about because I don't want to put them in that kind of position to have to choose. Since this year they were all gone to Hawaii we decided to call them up to see if they would like to join us. The more the merrier, right?
After work on Friday, we all met up at the pumpkin patch. we all headed out to find that perfect pumpkin. I think we all succeeded! Afterwards, we all headed to dinner and enjoyed the evening with each other before we parted ways. It was a nice change for once.

Probably my favorite pic of the night. She loves her mama and auntie!

Basically the only pic I got of Mike. its bad but proof he was there.

"Sami, look at my gum!"

We had to have 2 wheel barrels. we had that many pumpkins!

Put down the camera and let me take a pic.

She was crying because she wanted her mom to sit by her. It was so cute, yet so sad at the same time.

All of the kids...

Such a great pic! Love!

200

I have hit 200 posts! (it is actually 202 but I deleted 2 post) Is this what it really feels like to get this old? I am sensing that there will be a name change and a wardrobe swap on my blog soon. I am feeling extremely sassy so I am going to try (try being the key word) on doing a giveaway on my blog once a week. It will be rather random and as simple as leaving a comment in the giveaway post. I will give a deadline and pick by then. so since it is Friday and the weather is extremely amazing outside, here goes my first give away for my 200th post!

My current favorite:

 

Aroma Fina Indian food. My sweet SIL has taken me to many many places that are new to me. I am not one to adventure out and try new food. She got me hooked on Thia food (simply amazing) and now Indian food. Lucky for me Bryce doesn't like either so I get to go on special occasions. Since then I have even gotten my sister hooked! It is awesome. So here is what I suggest: Samosas! They are AWESOME... oh get the vegetarian. yummy! A true delight.

Oh and we cant forget the Naan. The Cheese Naan is just as good but the plain is always the best:

Yum! Now for a meal... You can eat anything there and it will be amazing. I like anything with chicken. I have had several entries there and I have yet to hate any of them. If you are dairy allergy ask them to cook any of them with coconut milk. They will do it!

Now for desert Try to the Mango Kulfi. Simply irresistible.

I must tell you that this place is a small place. The owner is a delight to talk to. Aroma was very personable and likable. I will go back based simply on my experience with her - but the food is simply amazing. I would not suggest going on a Friday night unless you go later (around 8) because it is small, it gets busy. My SIL always suggest trying out their buffet. Then you get to try all kinds of food that they have and you can pick what you like (I haven't been able to check the buffet out yet). And if you call in advanced you can get the full India experience with your meal on the floor but you have to call and reserve that in advanced.

Now if you made it through that - leave a comment. tell me what your current favorite is. It can be anything: Plant, candy bar, soap, restaurant... you name it. I will pick a winner Wednesday the 7th! This will be for a $10 gift card to Aroma's. Good luck!!!!!

NaBoPoMo

Man oh mighty! It is November!!! can you hear the screams everywhere. Screams of devastation that the end of the year is here. Screams of panic that it is just a few short weeks until Christmas. Screams of exhaustion because it is the busiest time of the year. Screams of pure delight that it is the best time of the year with baking, holidays, snow, family, friends, laughs. I am SOOOOOOOO excited for this time of the year. I love the holidays, I love the snow, I love the baking I love the decorations, I love the Christmas lights and the trees and the shopping for presents. Love love love. (although I still claim summer is my favorite)
Since it is November, I am going to attempt the national blog posting month again. It will be hard since I am limited to how much time I am on the Internet at home (see previous post) so I will try to fit it in on my lunch breaks at work. to start it off and to hit the ice breaker of what my first couple of post will be about I thought I would do and Insta-picture. Not all pictures done by instagram but they were in my phone. Oh instagram how I love thee!

Favorite breakfast. Starbucks oatmeal and the new refresher.




I took this at my mom's house. A new plant that I would like to plant in my flower bed next year.

Bear lake - our first time there. It was awesome and fun and raspberry shakes! YUM!

My 'current project' since the end of July. My BIL's uniform that I am putting in a display box for my sisters birthday.



Camping with our nephew and niece. Perfection.

"Sami, I love my new haircut!" he wont let his mom cut his hair anymore and begs to come to my house.

state fair.. such a cute piggy! (my brother's pig)

Part of my Halloween decor

Got my hair done!



More spooky Halloween decor. Watch out or he'll bite you!



Don't forget the piggie!




"Look mom! I'm angry bird!!!"




Flowers that a certain someone surprised me with.



Dinner after the pumpkin patch. the kids could not get enough of the cotton candy!




My new toy... still haven't cleaned it. :(




Shopping with my sister. She found a shirt and told me I had to buy it... then showed me why. Too bad it was an awful shirt!



"My new boots boots!" ('Friends' reference)



My nephew sent me this from Hawaii, wasn't trying to rub it in at all!



Hopefully you can see this. Bryce got quiet all of the sudden and I looked up to see him passed out on the floor all mummy-fied in a blanket.



Movies with my sisters and their kids. I sent and invite to their kids for a 'scary frankweenie and me' adventure. My sisters wanted to join in on the fun too...



Fresh pineapple from Hawaii. Thanks mom!




Angry birds... do you sense a theme?

Halloween work trick or treat



Halloween at the hardman house! Pizza and homemade root bear... yum!