Flowers

I woke up this morning sick. Not sick like the flu but sick from nerves. It has been 4 days since I have slept. My conversation with my sister yesterday helped. 'Think good thoughts before bed' she told me but it still didn't give me the peace I was looking for. My morning routine was a bit different this morning. I put more time and effort into how I looked. Soon I was out the door on my way to work. As the morning grew lighter the butterflies in my stomach didn't go away. They got worst. And so did the feeling of wanting to throw up. 'just a couple more hours' - I would try to tell myself. It didn't help. Shortly before 10 I left. I had to make one quick stop. I pulled into flower patch and by now I was frazzled with nerves. I looked at the floor in the shop to see myself - scattered - and in pieces. Now was the time to pick up the pieces and put myself together. I had 28 minutes.



That phone call was the call I don't think anyone wants to hear. I don't think anyone wants to make. There was alot of crying that night. I tried to tell myself that it would be ok. My parents tried to reassure me she would be fine. I could not shake the bad feeling I had growing inside of  me. This was the first time, but not the last, that i was going to loose my friend. It wasn't that I didn't believe. It wasn't that she didn't put up on hell of a fight. It was just a gut feeling... a sick feeling that shakes you to the core, that I had an hour glass sitting in front of me and at any minute the time was going to run out.

Our walks stopped, the summer time turned into dread. She could not be in the sun while in the middle of radiation. Even young women's was painful. I endure girls camp without her. Without my sidekick... the one person who understood me. I was an outcast. I was by myself. There were lot of surgeries. Lots of visits to primary children's hospital. Lots of phone calls. My life had turned around - only because hers had turned around. It was backwards and upside down. I tried to keep busy throughout my jr year. I would go over and visit when she wasn't feeling good enough to attend our youth group activities. On the days she felt well we took advantage of that time but I had to be careful as to not be sick. Then chemo started and the times to see her came far and few between. Her hair fell out - in chunks. Finally she got not just a wig but 2 wigs. they were itchy and uncomfortable. She would not go out with them though. She would get tired very easily. She attended school less and less but kept fighting one hell of a fight. I never saw her without a smile - or a joke. She was fighting this ginormous battle with a great sense of humor. Summer came again - she was too weak to do much so once again I was on my own to attend the youth group activities by myself.

My senior year was suppose to be the best of my life! But why did I dread it so much???? The year started off great. Finally - we were in the same school. She even felt well to attend most of her classes. I never knew if she was going to be there but when she was, it was the highlight of my day. School became a chore to me. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to go. I just couldn't wait for it to be over with. I couldn't wait to graduate. Christmas came and I saw her at school less and less. by spring, she had stopped going to school altogether. Only because it was in her best interest. The migraines were getting bad again. April rolled around and I was 2 months from graduating. I walked the 5 houses down the street to her house to see her. She lived in a tri-level home. The formal living room  as you walk in with the kitchen directly behind that. With stairs going up or down. I walked down the 6 steps to the main living room to see her on the couch. She didn't move but she sure lite up when she heard me call her name. I every so gently kneeled next to the couch as to not move her. 'the pain is so bad, just moving my head hurts immensely' It was becoming a struggle just for her to move her head. She was not getting better.... WHY? While I was there, it was time for her to eat. Her mom made her some potatoes. When I saw the plate I was astonished as to how someone could eat so little for a meal. It was then that i realized that she had lost an extreme amount of weight.

The net few weeks were a blur. I had alot going on with school. I was paddling as fast as i could to keep my head above water. School was horrible. I felt i was living in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. We had a fun run coming up at school. The last big thing before graduation. I signed up for it. It would be fun to hang out with some friends, eat food and tag team relay until I had to go home. May was upon us and it was warm this time of year. I also had softball. The practices kept me busy and kept my mind off things. Lets not even mention church. I was forced into going to young women's. I would sneak out when I had a chance. I made it a point to leave Sunday school 5 minutes early and sneak by the young women's room without getting caught so I didn't have to endure the hour long class without my friend. I did the bare minimum to get my young women's award. Something I am not proud of but my mom would not let it go. 'fake it til you make it' really came in to play. It didn't help that I hated my leaders. They didn't understand what I was going through. They forced me to play the piano just so I would have to attend. And if they caught me sneaking out they would grab me and literally sit me in a chair and sit next to me with their arm around me so that if I tried to move or leave they would grab me. They didn't understand. They would always ask me 'So how is she doing? We would go see her but....' then the excuses would come. To me, I called that being pure lazy.

Saturday May 5th - I was to get my award. My half ass earned award. I didn't care. I did it and I could say that i did it and have people off my back. 20 minutes before we started her dad walked in. 'she is really sick and not feeling well. She wont be able to make it. I will give my talk and then I will need to return home.' The sacrifice - if only I knew. A mere 17 hours was all he had left, but none of knew that. I saw him slip out when his part was finished. I just wanted it to be done - I was done. By the time we got everything cleaned up and home it was well after 10. I asked my mom if I could take some eclairs to her and her family. It was late. Probably not a good idea but I did it anyways. most of the lights were off - only one or two lights were on and dimmed. Her mom answered the door. 'she wont see anyone but I will ask.' Those 90 seconds were probably some of the most let down 90 seconds of my life. I knew she would say no. Her mom came back and said 'she would love to see you' My feet grew heavy as I walked up those stairs. She was laying in her bed and didn't move when I came in. Once again her face lite up. When did she look so pale?? so thin??? It was worst than before.

That night was the last time I talked to my friend. 13 hours later she slipped in to a coma. 7 hours later she passed away.


It has been 10 years since i have seen her brothers. I knew today would be hard. I had 2 1/2 minutes to piece myself together and put on a smile. I got out of my car and walked up the 4 steps to the door. I open the door and there is her oldest brother. 10 years older but still looking the same. I didn't know what to say or what to do. All of these emotions have taken over me the past 4 days and I am sure seeing me it like a tidal wave hitting them. He walks over to me and gives me a hug. Then her dad sees me... like father like son. Walks over to me and hugs me. We talk for a few minutes and I leave with 'I had to come and show my support today.' Next I walk in to the back room and give her mom a giant hug. then her other brother. We talk for a few more minutes. It brings back a feeling I have been missing all of these years. I say hi to her 'SIL' and the kids. They are all so cute. We chat and I feel that my time has come that i need to go. I say hi to few more people and give my condolences. I walk out 36 minutes after I arrived. That has got to be one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have had to do in a long time. there was only one more thing I had to do. I  had some purple flowers i had to deliver....

Last week Jessica's grandfather passed away. It has torn me apart. Today was all so bitter sweet. It brings feeling back from so long ago. It has been a struggle. at lunch yesterday with my sister, she said 'think of the good thing, remember the best times, and maybe that will help.' The best way to do that... blog. Write. express.

Sometimes it is hard, Then I go to bed and wake up the next morning to realize that it is all going to be ok. I cannot wait for that feeling tomorrow morning.