ok let me start by saying to all those who did not make it through my last post (heaven bless you if you did, it was LONG) you did not get the chance to see my warning. So here is the second warning I will throw out.. For all the guys (and girls) out there, some of you may be able to read through this in a breeze, others will not make it through this next sentence. I wont go into deep details but this is a little something that I would like to get out there. Something that effects me everyday of my life, something I often ponder on and something that can take me 'out of the ball game' in a heart beat. Here is goes:
For the last 8 or so years I have often wondered if I am the biggest wimp on the planet. I cant lift much weights, I cry when I cut myself (especially with a straight edge razor.. the old fashion razor for men shaves.. its a hair thing), My sisters can pin me to the ground in seconds, I take things to heart way too much, and what other people think of me matters! These are not the things I am talking about though. I suffer from Endomitriosis.
This is becoming more common in women everyday. This subject was prompted by the fact at 4:00 Am on Sunday I was awaken with an excruciating amount of pain knowing full well what my next 24 hours possibly longer were going to be like. When you hear endomitiriosis you automatically think when a girl is on that time of month but that is not the case. I have had many instances where I am in a store, watching a movie, sleeping, hanging out with friends and it hits me like a ton of bricks. This pain is CONSISTENTLY there but some days are more painfull then other.
The only thing I could do when the pain comes is go for the alieve bottle (now my doctor has given me some other medications to try when needed). I can literally watch the clock and know within 30 minutes to a T the pain will subside to an uncomfortable state. This is where I often wonder if I am wimp. I have tried no meds and I just cry and cry and cry (Bryce can verify that). Even after I take some medicine I become a lump on a log with a heating pad or a hot bath to help the soothing.. it sucks. My aunt tells me often that she would rather go through 10 ALL NATURAL child births before she would take an hour of that pain caused from endomitriosis and tries to reassure me that it is indeed painful. If I cant go 20 minutes of pain through this how will I make it through the child bearing process????
I had 2 surgeries last year (2008) for this. The first was to confirm that I really did have endo and to clean everything up. In which my doctor lost my entire file, told me I would never have any more pain and sent me on my way. coming out of the surgery was horrible! The healing went nicely, the scar.. almost perfect, back to work in a few short days re-cooperating was short and minimal. This is when I decided I wanted to see a specialist. The day I decided that I got a letter in the mail that my doctor had passed away.. that made it easy, right? Wrong. I went to a specialist who also just happened to deliver 11 out of 15 of my nieces/nephews. This created a problem that my 1st doc lost my entire file they had nothing on my surgery except the payments and the person who my new doc needed to talk to was literally 6 feet under. We went through all my options and 6 months after my first surgery I was back in the OR. This recovery was very difficult. Because of the timing and a few other things that were going on in life I was on short term for 2 weeks, the scar is huge, it took me over a month and a half to actually feel like I was becoming normal again the recovery process was brutal. He found more. So much that for a normal person it would be a 'fair' amount but considering I just had surgery prior it is growing back was too rapid. The options: birth control... made me deathly sick! pre menopause.. uh no. I already will have to go through it once when I am about 50! hysterectomy, which would be great if I was older and had kids and do nothing and be back in surgery every year or less until I decide I have had enough.
I vowed not to have a hysterectomy for the simple fact that I do not have kids. I am not for sure if I want kids (that sounds horrible... I am a bad person) but every time my tummy swells up (literally) and I start to have pain I want to take a knife and do it myself. the thought of surgery makes me completely nauseous! Endo is something that literally incapacitates me sometime for days on end and it is not just every 28 days. It is a constant reminder of what my role as a female is. I may one day have kids which I would LOVE (even though I am not for sure if I want to have them.. make sense? no? talk to me on a personal level and you will understand) but I may one day not be able to have kids because the longer I put this off and more surgeries I have, the faster is grows the more it is making me infertile.
This post is not about having kids, or getting sympathy. This is to gain understanding of what some (and the number is getting higher) women are going through everyday of their lives. No for all those guys who made it through this post this is where you should feel appreciative of your wives and what they may grow through. They may not want to put off a 'wimp' persona. Be grateful you have someone who is in your life that goes through hell literally to keep the cycles of life going. Women are miraculous, and women.. feel appreciative if you have the minimal things going on because is could be alot worst... right?
Let me finish by saying how much I appreciate Bryce (he comes the cheesy part!). For the last 4 years he has been through it all with me. He has been by my side as I come out of surgery puking until night end, through a hang over from the meds, running a hot bath for me when i am in pain, Holds me while I cry and mostly sits and rubs my belly when I am in pain (my mom must've done that when I was a baby.. maybe its a mental thing but it really does sooth the pain!!) I love him for sticking through it with me. This is my future, this could go on for another 25 years. It may be an ultimatum for our future. I love you baby!
Now should I consider myself a wimp?
