Stuck

For the last 8 year of my life I have been stuck between a rock and a hard spot. For the last 6 years it has been more pronounced than before. The last 4 has been the most difficult and the last 2 I have been able to adjust and not let it effect my life near as much. I am talking about my family.


I realize I have not had very much good or anything at all to say about some of my family on my blog but the truth is.. its ugly and it is reality. I am not going to sugar coat things. We all have our problems and I hate it when pretty pictures are painted of our lives and then reality hits and we ask 'where did this come from?' 'How long has it been going on?' and the ever most popular 'How did this happen?' so excuse me for a just a minute while I paint another picture of my life for you.


This last past weekend our camping trip camping to a grinding halt when the weather decided not to cooperate. I can take cold weather any day but mix that with wet and it is flat out miserable. Now let me jump back to the week prior, as you can see I attended my dad's family reunion. I went because I needed to be there, I did not go because of my family. My expectations of them are not very high but let me tell you it was one of the most enjoyable weekends I have had with them in a very very long time. Even my oldest sister was nice and nice is not in her dictionary. I was amazed, and besides my tire being broken, the weekend was a huge success! I had no intentions of being with them but it ended up that way. I feel like my mom was trying. On Tuesday I went to her house to pick up some things that they had hauled for us. My sister just older than me was also nice! Could this be a dream come true or a slap in the face with reality that was coming my way? For the first time in my niece's life I received even a picture of her from my sister and to top it off I received an invite to her graduation and to lunch this coming up weekend. Wow!


Now back to this weekend.. since our plans crashed I decided to head up to the U to attend my sisters graduation and leave this following weekend available for whatever may come our way. I am proud of my sister and with this new found niceness that I was experiencing I found myself longing for my sister in my life. I wanted to hug her, cry with her, tell her everything that is going on in my life. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for her as she walked across the stage to receive and award she has been working for, for years. That is my sister and I am proud of her! After the ceremony I felt anything but that. There was a snide little comment from another that made all that niceness disappear and my hopes come crashing down that there may have been a change in some of my family members.


The point is not that is matters who said it or what was said but that it made me doubt myself. I doubt my life, I doubt what I am doing is the right thing for me, I doubt my schooling, and I doubt that I will ever be good enough for anyone (friends, family, boys, children). I have spent my entire life trying to be just as great as my sister and the reality is that I wont. She has exceeded everything in life and that is hard to follow.


My hope is having my family back came crashing down once again and I found myself in the same position as I have always been in, having high hope to have them stubble down upon me. I cannot expect much from my family and I knew this. Knowing this I set myself up once again for complete failure and risking my emotions for it all.


After time and time again of blubbering this to Bryce (bawling and mumbling) I have come to conclusion that I am doing the best I can, and work hard to not let this effect me even though every day I am jealous, hurt, adore, envy everyone I see that has an awesome relationship with their family. You can never get a mothers love (or sisters in this case) from anyone but your mother. I hope in my life I am choosing the things that are right for me. At this moment I doubt myself but give me a few days and I wont. I will never be as good as her, as beautiful as her, as smart as her, or as fast as her. Now I guess the one thing I am doubting, can I open the door for just a bit longer for my family to come around? That I do not know and I don't know if I am willing to risk that but for right now I can honestly say that I am proud of my sister! (even if we don't get along)



** Post note, this did not come across as I wanted it to but I cant explain everything that is in my head on this subject, please be understanding.