Denial

Denial: a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.



Denial. Oh how I hate you. You have made too much of a welcome in my life. You have come in my house and made yourself at home. You take a ride in my car anytime you want to. You even make an occasional visit at my work just to make sure I know you are still there. Seriously, you have got to go.

I haven't finished my post on our reunion, and it is nearly Christmas. so here is where it begins:

Anyone who knows me know I am a complete daddy's girl. It is a known fact in my family and friends alike. I am the baby, I am my dad's baby.8 years ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. It was October 17th. The same day as my brother in laws birthday that we lost the December prior. It was the day before my sister was due to give birth to her first little girl. We kept that from her. She didn't need any more complication with her pregnancy. I still remember the phone call, I remember the surgery, I remember 'he has 3 year left, if that. Enjoy life' 3 years later he was in remission. Every 6 months he goes in to get tested. We all know that it is a matter of time. This summer was great, we have had some amazing vacation and tons of memories to hang on to. In March my dads counts were up, way up. They decided that now was the time to switch his medication. He was just a few points of no longer being in remission and his cancer making the its way back into our lives. With this medication comes a teeny tiny side effect called liver failure. My dad had testing for both in October. When I had this talk with Bryce, I told him that I did not have a bad feeling about the counts. I told him that i didn't have a bad feeling about the liver. I was right. His counts are down and his testing for liver failure came back just the way the doctors wanted them too. What we didn't think about is that my mom mentioned that he is cold in his hands, arms, feet and legs.

So starts the war of heart problems. They are prominent in his family. I took time off work to take him to get all sorts of testing done for him. Each test brought more testing and more problems, more stress. Now here is denial walking into my life. I haven't said anything of facebook, I haven't said anything to friends, I haven't said much to my work (except my VP who has approved all of my time off). This whole mess has thrown my dad through the ringer. His good days are becoming less and less and his bad days are becoming more and more. He says he is not ready to go but sometimes I wonder if he is done fighting this big battle. denial has thrown me through the ringer. I hate how I call and don't hear the cheerful tone I am used to hearing. I don't even hear 'Hey sunshine!' when I call. I don't like the sympathetic looks, the pity feelings from other and I hate when people as me how he is doing. do I lie and say "he is great" or do I just answer with "Oh he is fine" I refuse to say how he really is, for the reality of it all brings me to complete tears.

Tears, Oh the tears. I am such a closet crier. I don't think Bryce knows how much it effects me. He only sees me cry maybe 5% of the time. I cry driving, I cry in the bath, I cry at work, I cry in bed. Oh I am a hot mess. This is a daily occurrence. I have lost my appetite. I have lost the will to make Christmas magical. I am losing my hair in chunks. I know I cant think about the what ifs and I should just enjoy the moments I have but it is just hard. I am too young to lose my parent. I am too young to think about spending 60 years without my dad. I am beyond frustrated that I don't have a crystal ball so I can just brace myself for when and where it is going to happen. I know I could have another 5 years with my dad but the last 2 months have been hell.

Denial has taken over my life. denial, you suck.

(Ive turned off the comments for this post. This is more to just write and let it all out then to let people know what is truly going on... life. goes. on.)