The club

It seems like lately that there have been a few sad blog posts and Facebook posts from me. My heart has literally broken into two pieces but they are slowly getting sewn back together. I don't want this blog post to come off as sad. My sadness has now turned into awareness.

You see I, along with my family, belong to a club. It's a club that no one wants to be in yet we were put into this club for reasons that we will probably never have explanation for. It seems like before I was put into this club, I had heard of it happening, but never to anyone close to me. Now it seems like it is everywhere. Now my friend Jana joins me of 6 years, and we cannot forget her siblings too. Then my friend kacey joined us 3 years ago... Along with her parents and siblings. Now, just 9 days old, a new girl that I grew up with, joins us. The pain never goes away and it does not get any easier. It's a club that no one wants to join and no one wants to talk about, yet we are all aware that it is there.

So what is it that sets us apart from so many others? Suicide. Suicide to a spouse, sibling or parent. I don't tend to include aunts and uncles because I don't think that you get a full effect when it's not sitting in front if your face, at every family meal or function, at everyday life. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist it that it hurts less because it doesn't but when it it a spouse, sibling or parent it is in your face every single day. It's your life. There is no getting away from it.

Now I know that each and every single one of my siblings have dealt with it differently. Some don't let it appear to bother them as others. I on the other hand wear my emotions on my sleeve. And I have yet to get this leaky eye syndrome checked out! Every single time I hear about this happening, a little piece of my heart breaks. I know the long road that is now paved for the survivors. It sucks. No better way to put that. I don't know why but this week it feels like my heart was literally ripped from my chest. What do you say? What do you do? I'm sorry does not seen justifiable or satisfying.

So now what???? Well we help pick up the pieces and try to live our lives to the best possible way we can. And when we hear of this happening to someone we know, we stand together and let their families know that we understand and try to help pick up a piece or two for them.

I told my friend on Monday night... "Remember how he lived and not how he died." She has two precious babies to love for the rest of her life and the best thing she can do is tell then how he lived his life and not what a horrible awful death he had. So with that I want to tell people how my BIL lived and not how he died.

He was a good father. He loved his son. He loved my sister. He loved his family and he loved our family.

Oh how he loved food. You could always find him in the kitchen. He was quiet but if you went in the kitchen and sat by him he would talk your ear off. His stomach was a bottomless pit.

He was a true super hero at heart. He loved superheroes more than anything. I bet he would go crazy over Thor, iron man and the avengers. He was the first one in line to see the hulk and even dressed up his son as the hulk at the age if 3 for Halloween.

He loved video games. I remember right before his son was born, I went over to their house to find him with the empty bouncer next to him playing video games as if his son was sitting there sleeping... Even though he wasn't born yet.

He loved his cats.

He strived to make the best possible life for my sister and nephew. He was a hard worker often working 2 jobs to support my sister as a stay at home mom.

There are a just a few... I try really hard to remind jayce of the good in his dad and not the horrible awful death he had. Because he needs that. His dad will be a superhero is his eyes.